Thursday, January 28, 2010


there's a place in my chest where excitement starts: rightly enough, just under my heart. and my heart was heavy for so long, and it smothered that place. and my frissons only amounted to fear, in that throbbing thud centred in the spot where excitement starts. it spread its fingers out my back, the prone area that tingles in response. i can feel its borders even now, so sensitive are they in reception; they know that i am speaking of them.

but somehow everything is new, and training my horse, my body as i have, makes me even more aware of my insides, and now i see that my heart is not so heavy as it was then, or perhaps i have become adept at lifting the profundity of its weight. and now, under my heart, is a spark, that leaps at the prospect of new things, new places, new words, and a new way. i want very much to be, to do, to live. i've never wanted it so much before. i don't have the life i want yet: there is still so much to be decided, and to try, and to face. and people still confuse me, and daunt me, and i wish i understood everything, all that it takes to be a good person and then some; that's the person i want to be.

but the thing is, i've decided i'm here for the duration. that i've got to get myself together, and i can feel myself fighting for it; i can feel hope leaping in my chest. i can do no more than be who i always am, and try. i have seen what comes from not trying.

i'm going to be spirited.


  1. I love you Mo! I support you in this endeavor! You will make spiritedness so freaking sexy that we will all yearn to be as spirited as you.

    That sounds like I'm joking but I'm not. I'm very, very serious.


  2. thank you for being my witness. i felt i had to write this, to capture this need to live because it is different, so different than how i have looked at life in such a long time. and i want to remember this, to build on it, and make it true for me.

    your message means a lot kerry, and i will carry it with me, and send all the love i can back to you. :) mo/xo

  3. someone said to me yesterday: enough with the whying and thinking; it's time for being and doing. let's be and do together, kindred.

    you have a beautiful horse. i want to know its name.

  4. that 2010 person says a lot of things, and some of them actually even make sense. :)

    i think i've settled on a name for my horse. i was stuck on strawberry for a while because it was the name of a horse i liked in the trixie belden books i read growing up that made me dream of adventure: like riding, spelunking, and seeing the world.

    but now i think what's more appropriate is incitata (pronouced roughly "inky-tata"). caligula's favourite horse was named incitatus, and he prized him so highly he swore to make him consul of rome, and used to put on banquets over which incitatus presided. incitata, the feminine form has a few connected meanings: to be quickened, to be enhanced, and more figuratively to have been roused. passion and inspiration also come into play. i want to bring all of this to being and doing. we are going to be so alive, and so free! :)